


Five Months

by RensAwakening



Series: Five Months [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Acceptance, Anger, Angst, Bargaining, Denial, Depression, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Pining, TLJ Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 11:06:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14018943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensAwakening/pseuds/RensAwakening
Summary: "The Force had not connected them in five months. Five months!"





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> I bought a prompt book and decided to write Reylo fics based off of them. Enjoy!
> 
> Initial Prompt: The long-lost roommate. 
> 
> Kylo goes through the 5 stages of Grief.

Chapter 1: Denial

The Force had not connected them in five months. Five months! Their last communication had been in stifling silence. The moment she saw him, she turned her back, still refusing to speak, still upset that he did not call off the attack.

They had fought about that often in every conversation since that day, his hot anger forming his words as he yelled at her for not choosing him, for not letting go. Some days she would cry, most days she would argue her defense. The First Order was wrong, the Resistance wanted peace, please stop the violence. 

He would let her words slide off him like water, but his blood would boil at the first mention of his mother. The Force would end their arguments most nights, cutting the connection cold and leaving him to hurl his desk against the wall. He would pull out his saber and hack into the durasteel panels, creating a new entrance to the hall by the time he was done fuming.

Why couldn’t she understand? He wanted to do something, new, not the way of the First Order but not the route of the Resistance either. He wanted more, but above all, he wanted to do it with her. They made a great team. 

He closed his eyes and reminisced on that day in the throne room when they defeated the Praetorian Guards. He remembered how she danced alongside him, each one of her attacks the exact opposite of his own. Where his movements were strategic and precise, hers were unplanned and inexact. 

She still managed to save him in the end despite ultimately not choosing to take his offer. The fact that he could not get through to the one person who meant the most to him…, it tore at his insides. 

The first two weeks of not seeing her flew by and he had not really noticed. General Hux kept him extremely busy. With Snoke dead and assuming the position of Supreme Leader, there were a lot of things to transfer to his name. 

When he had not seen her, he chalked it up to him being overwhelmingly occupied. By the third week, however, he was certain that she must have kept herself hidden from him out of spite. He could feel her energy burning somewhere far off in his consciousness, a small reminder that she was indeed alive and well. 

Something would make her happy and the energy would glow bright and big, causing him to grip at his chest, the feeling almost overwhelming as he had not felt that way in so long. However, whenever she was sad, it dampened his mood as well and he would sulk in his office for hours on end, not allowing anyone to bother him until the moment had passed.

He did not know how to process the roller-coaster of emotions Rey felt in a day and it affected him the most in those upcoming weeks. By the second week of the second month, he grew irritated and tired of her games.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading all the way through! This is the first fic I've written that was more than just a one shot. Next chapter is Anger!
> 
> Shout out to PerryDowning who helped beta this for character development and consistency and to ANerdsLife4Me who keeps me going by keeping my compliment box full for when I'm doubting myself (which is always).
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr: rensawakening  
> Stop by and say Hi! I don't bite, hard.  
> Just kidding!  
> I'd love to get to know my readers


	2. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know you’re here! SHOW YOURSELF!” he would yell when he was alone, hissing for her to quit her petty games and reveal herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stage 2: Anger

Chapter 2: Anger

“I know you’re here! SHOW YOURSELF!” he would yell when he was alone, hissing for her to quit her petty games and reveal herself. 

Her energy burned inside him happily and he took this as a new way she mocked him. She would never appear, despite his taunting, and he ripped apart his room, again, in a horrible attempt to find her. 

His room had not been the only area of the ship to feel his wrath. He’d torn up the training room, hallway, supply closets and Hux’s office. Hux was unfazed by his tantrums but had stopped him when he went about ripping off every helmet from a squad of Stormtroopers. He was certain he felt her presence there amongst them. She was concealing herself from him and it was infuriating. 

He woke up later that day cycle in his empty, cold, completed room, not a single item out place. The base of his neck throbbed, and he could feel the welt where Hux had stunned him hours before. As he lay there, he felt a new wave of emotions take over. He had an immense need to get off the ship and could not tell if these feelings were his own. 

Checking his chronometer, he was relieved to find it was well past sleeping hours. He raised the comm to his mouth, considering alerting General Hux of his intention to leave but lowered it again, ultimately deciding to keep him out of it. If the General had found out that Kylo left the ship without prior notice, he would be livid. The blood would rush to his face, turning it a shade lighter than when he was being force choked. He wanted to leave the ship unnoticed and unbothered and now proved to be a perfect time. 

Once he reached the hangar, he only had to alter the memories of two troopers before slipping inside his aircraft and departing. Quickly, he entered in the coordinates of the closest uninhabited planet and slowly took off. While he was a good pilot, flying the Upsilon proved to be a bit more challenging without a full crew. The spacecraft rocked side to side as he hopped from one seat to the next, an attempt to stabilize it. Soon the ship steadied, and he left the hangar with a punch of the controls. The craft purred in his hands as he entered space and he let out a breath as he stared out into the deep dark nothingness.

Once again, his thoughts were interrupted by another wave of emotion, this time, he was certain they were coming from Rey. She was happy and that bright, glowing light buzzed in his mind. In a moment of retaliation, he punched the wall next to his chair, hoping the pain it brought on would rid him of that light. 

The only thing the hit managed to do was pull up a warning of damage on the display panel in front of him. The craft jerked as he exited hyperspace. He took over the controls and picked up speed, the incessant need to get out enveloped him. A small clearing came into view as he entered the planet’s atmosphere. His landing was rough, his mind unable to fully concentrate while the buzzing light overwhelming his conscience. The happiness she was feeling was making him nauseous and he exited the aircraft just in time to empty the contents of his stomach on the grass outside.

“HOW CAN YOU BE SO HAPPY WHEN YOU’RE CAUSING ME SO MUCH PAIN?” he yelled, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his coat.

“ARE YOU HAPPY THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER CONNECTED TO ME?” his voice echoed in the forest and the silence he was met with was deafening. 

He let out a guttural growl, low at first but increasing in volume. He had to get rid of the maddening silence—and the emotions that were not his along with it. The force began to vibrate around him as he struggled to keep it in check. Sparks flew off in several directions, obliterating several hundred trees in the process. 

Out of the clearing came a blaster shot and it struck Kylo straight on the shoulder, knocking him back towards his spacecraft. A bit dazed, he quickly got back on to his feet with his saber in hand, ignited and ready. The smoke from the trees cleared and a group of 20 or so people with an assortment of weapons appeared, looking to fight. Kylo gripped his saber tighter and dropped into a low stance, ready to make the first move. 

Suddenly someone from the front line spoke up. “If you told me when I woke up this morning that we’d have a chance at stealing a TIE fighter, I would have believed you. However, if you told me this morning that we would be stealing THE Upsilon of the First Order’s Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, I would have laughed in your face.” There was amusement in his voice. 

Kylo studied the man in front of him and then the others surrounding him, not saying a word.

“Having a bad day, Ren?” He pointed his hand to the clearing behind him and his crew.

“That is of no concern to you,” Kylo snarled.

“You’re absolutely right. The only thing that matters to us right now is that beaut’ behind you. We can take her off your hands and be on our way. No one has to get hurt.” He moved his hands off the trigger of his blaster as a gesture of good faith and his crew laughed mockingly.

“If you believe that any of you are leaving here with your lives, you are gravely mistaken. No prisoners, no quarter.” Kylo recited that last line as he did that day on Crait.

“Look around Ren. We have you outnumbered twenty to one. That’s more blasting power against your one lightsaber. You’re the one who won’t make it out ali-“ The man stopped mid-sentence and grabbed at his throat, unable to breathe as the rest of the crew stared on in disbelief. 

Kylo snapped his neck and sprinted towards the large group, plunging his saber into a second man before the leader’s body even hit the ground. A blaster sounded off near him and Kylo clung to the corpse impaled on the end of his saber, using it as a shield to deflect the onslaught of rounds meant for him. 

At the break of fire, one of the men charged from behind and Kylo force hurled him into a broken tree stump, the jagged edges piercing the man’s lower abdomen. Crimson blood tricked out of his mouth, the gurgling slowly coming to a stop as the life faded from his eyes. 

The dark side oozed from the force, a sweet sticky substance, grasping at Kylo’s psyche. Quickly it filled every inch of his body and he allowed it free reign. Letting go gave him a sense of peace and he no longer needed to think, allowing the darkness to do it for him. His body moved with the will of the Force and he sat back in amazement, watching the fight from within the safety of his own mind. 

There was no pain; no feeling, no emotion, nothing and he allowed the emptiness to wash over him, bringing forth solitude. He imagined that he was floating in space, his body weightless and tried to remember why he was wound up so tightly, to begin with.  


A looming feeling bloomed within him and he felt as if he was forgetting something, someone. His eyes darted up suddenly and fixated on a glowing orb of light that appeared in the distance. The darkness that surrounded him faded the closer it got. The orb itself was hard to look at. His eyes attempting to adjust to its brightness and he noticed the warmth it radiated was inviting. 

Slowly and cautiously, he lifted his fingers and brushed them against the mass. Reacting to his touch, the orb brightened and warped, taking a humanly shape. Once the light dimmed, he was met face to face with Rey. His heart jumped into his throat and he had to swallow hard to get it assume its proper position. Her face was soft and serene, smiling upon him and slowly, she extended her hand, mimicking his movements moments before. She was just about to make contact when without warning, the Force pulled him back into his own body. 

He screamed in pain as all the injuries his body sustained during battle hit him at once. He screamed again, this time for another reason altogether. Why did the Force have to call him back then? He fumed, and catching his breath, he turned around to assess the damage. Bodies lay dead all over the ground and a small fire burned in the distance. He turned once more and noticed the damages to his aircraft. Hux will not be pleased. 

Walking to the cockpit, he turned it on and the aircraft roared beneath him. He punched commands into the console and ran diagnostics. After checking all the displays, he determined that despite the damage, his aircraft should have no problem taking him back to the main ship. 

He walked back to the cabin, in search of a medkit to tend to his injuries. Clearing his mind, he allowed the stinging of the medicine to wash over his body, a reminder of the fact that he was still alive. 

He bandaged several wounds closed and began work on his shoulder where the first blaster hit him at the start of the fight. His coat had absorbed most of the shot but once he peeled it back, the real extent of the damage was revealed. 

If he placed a bacta patch on it now, he would be rid of the bruise within hours but in the end, he decided to allow it to heal on his own, serving as a reminder of the events that transpired. As soon as he was done, he locked onto the main ship’s coordinates, placed the craft on auto and closed his eyes in his chair. 

The smiling vision of Rey appeared again in his mind and the anger he felt at the start of this all, was replaced by a longing to see her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter is Bargaining!
> 
> Special Thanks To:  
> PerryDowning for beta-ing this chapter for me  
> and  
> ANerdsLife4Me for your unwavering support.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr: rensawakening  
> Stop by and say Hi!  
> I'd love to get to know you.


	3. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only he had called off the attack.

Chapter 3: Bargaining

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CRAFT?” Hux bellowed as Kylo stepped off the shuttle’s ramp. The fury building up in his face had indeed changed from its usual ghostly white to brick red.

It would have been so easy to choke him, exact revenge on him for stunning him earlier but he no longer cared. He felt nothing towards The General, and choosing to ignore him, he made his way back to his quarters.

Once the doors were shut and sealed behind him, he began to rid his body of the blood-stained garments. As each item fell to the floor, the last visible traces of rage fell with it. He made his way to the fresher and started the water. It was cold, at first, as it streamed out of the pipes, but soon the steam clouded his vision.

He closed his eyes and drew up the image of Rey. He had missed her. Talking to her, fighting with her, seeing her… he tightened his closed eyes, trying to make out her perfect face as he had seen it earlier in his vision. Smiling. She would never truly smile at him that way. There was no way she ever could, and the realization made his heart ache, a feeling he was beginning to grow accustomed to. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he washed himself roughly, scrubbing hard at the dried blood stuck to his skin. If Rey saw him like this, what would she say? The thought stilled his hands. What would her expression look like if the Force connected her with him at this moment? Would she be upset because he was covered in someone else’s blood? Or would she be concerned for his well-being?

He shook his head at the last thought. She would never be concerned for him. He was a monster, as she so clearly stated before. 

If only he had called off the attack.

The words invaded his mind so wholeheartedly that for a moment he questioned if the thought was indeed his. Their only argument tortured him now, and he clutched his chest as a wave of her pulsed through him. Was she somewhere thinking the exact same thing? 

“Please bring her to me!” he cried out in pain to the Force. “Allow me the chance to talk to her.”

He was cursing himself now, he should have said something to her during their last connection. Another wave came from her in response to his thought, as if in agreeance. 

“Oh Force! Please!” He was begging. He found when it came to Rey, he was always begging. The air shifted around him, a faint, familiar feeling weaved in and out of his consciousness. 

“Give her to me!” He challenged the Force, sounding like an errant child. “Give her to me!”

He shut the water off and rushed out into his room in search of her. He spun around in circles hoping to catch the barest of glimpses. She throbbed inside him, each pulse debilitating, crippling him as he dropped to the floor, running his hands furiously through his wet hair.

“Please! I’ll do anything…” he pleaded again. “Anything!”

He remained there on the floor, long after she faded from within him, long after the air went back to its cold and harsh loneliness. When he finally stood up, his legs were numb and frigid. 

Mindlessly, he put his sleeping pants on, fell into bed and wrapped his body in his covers. He was shivering now, a mixture of the cold he felt on his body and the emptiness in his chest. He closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep, exhausted from battles of the day.

\--

The surveillance footage! He sat up quickly and checked the Chrono. He had slept the remaining half of the day cycle and it was once again well into the night. 

He jumped out of bed with a sense of urgency and searched for his holopad. Entering in his credentials, he stood there, eyes transfixed on the insignia as it rotated, confirming his request. The main screen finally appeared, along with hundreds of unread emails from Hux. Ranking changes, command requests and reconditioning reports filled the screen and he briefly scanned the page for surveillance access. Clicking on the video icon, he searched for the feed into his dead master’s chambers. 

After what felt like hours, albeit only a matter of minutes, he lowered his holo and scoffed. There was no footage to be found. Snoke must not have wanted his personal area monitored and once again, he proved even in death, he would not allow Kylo what he truly wanted. 

He strummed his hand on the back of the holopad, in thought. There must be somewhere else where he could pull footage from… He perused through all the different feeds until he came across the cams monitoring the Hangar. Pulling the pad in closer, his digits quickly typed in the date he could never forget. The day she came to him. 

ACCESS DENIED:  
FOOTAGE LOCKED  
PENDING ONGOING INVESTIGATION  
SECURITY CLEARANCE REQUIRED

He threw the holopad across the room and the sounds of it smashing into the wall echoed in his ears. 

Why is everyone keeping Rey from him? In a feeble attempt to grab ahold of his emotions, he weaved his hands together and pressed his thumbs to his lips. He inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled. 

Why would he be denied clearance? Did Hux suspect him? Was he, too, being investigated for the death of Snoke? Was Hux onto his little secret when he told him Rey had murdered Snoke and knocked him unconscious? The thoughts clouded his mind, as he tried to make sense of the situation at hand. He shook his head…He mustn’t let Hux find out what happened that day.

He walked to the fresher, and this time prepared himself properly. Once he was ready, he made his way to the surveillance sector of the ship. His eyes scanned the room and what he saw pleased him. Most of the stations were deserted and only a few people were scattered around working silently.

Since it was well into the late hours of the night cycle, there really wasn’t much to monitor. Mentally profiling every individual present, he elected to speak with the man at the farthest end of the room. The distance between him and the others provided enough privacy for them to speak and not be heard.

As he walked into the room, he kept to the shadows. The least amount of people who noticed him there, the better. This way, he would only have to alter one memory tonight. The man sat at his desk fumbling with his collar and looked up just in time to see Kylo take his last stride, closing in on him. 

“Supreme Leader!” He jumped, attempting to get out of his chair and awkwardly falling back into it, as a gloved hand reached out, telling him to remain seated. “I require security clearance on some footage.” 

\--

The visit was brief and effective. He had used his Force persuasion to get the man to not only release the footage to him but to also change Hux’s security clearance before ultimately wiping his memory of the whole situation. 

Now that he was back in his chambers, he pulled out the new pad he managed to confiscate while he was there and with trembling fingers, pressed play on the footage. There she was, the smallest of creatures, being led by him, and the stormtroopers, to the lift. He paused the image on her face as she looked around, in what he assumed was, wonder. 

His chest filled with a sense of…peace. Finally, he had something to control his compelling need to see her. He typed the date once again in the search section and up pulled a few more pieces of cleared footage. The one marked Escape Pod caught his attention and suddenly a lump rose in his throat. There was no way this was the footage from Snoke’s personal pod.

Tapping the screen, a closer image of the back of Rey’s head appeared. She was staring at something outside of the door and when her face turned to the cam, he noticed she was crying. His heart dropped. She shook her head and mouthed something he didn’t catch. He swallowed and gasped when she looked dead at the camera. Their eyes connected for a few mins before Rey’s image moved and ripped it out of its socket. The feed cut off and he noticed that he was blinking back big, fat, tears. A few escaped him and fell to the floor.

He watched those videos over and over in the following days. It was after the eighth day that he’d made out what she was saying. He assumed she was speaking to him as he lay on the floor unconscious. 

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really, really hard for me to write. I'm not used to begging and I'm sure Kylo isn't either. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable for the both of us. Next chapter is Depression!
> 
> As always, special thanks to my 2 favorite ladies:  
> PerryDowning and ANerdsLife4Me
> 
> This fic would not exist without you.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr: rensawakening  
> Stop by and say Hi!  
> I'm friendly.


End file.
